If you have been following me for a while (or know me in person), you know that I am an endurance athlete. Or that I was an endurance athlete. I have 6 marathons under my belt, a few half Ironman races and countless halves, 10ks & 5ks. Running used to be a way of life for me: a way to make sense of the world; a moment to get out into nature and breathe in fresh air and do something that was good for me both mentally and physically.

Then life continued on. In my early 40s, the runs became more difficult. They were harder physically as minor injuries developed. They were also harder to fit into my schedule as my professional career was in full swing with international travel and many 50-60+ hour work weeks. The latter I don’t regret so much, it was an important developmental time in my life. But it also made the injury thing more frustrating because, when I could carve in time for a run, it wasn’t the amazing release and joyful exertion that I enjoyed previously. I cursed my IT band when it complained in the form of twisty pain wrapped around my knee. Plantar fasciitis decided to make a visit. And then the lower back pain began. That was probably the worst because that low back pain would nag me long after the run was finished. It even began to nag me after a dog walk, or even a long day at my desk.

I finally bit the bullet and went to the chiropractor who then referred me to a postural physical therapist. The PT’s diagnosis was a weak core, something that I’ve most likely had since I started running. But now my body was in a place where it couldn’t accommodate the weakness anymore by leveraging other muscle groups. Most likely, during my thousands of miles of training a decade prior, the other muscle groups were taking on the workload that my core wasn’t delivering. And because I was young and strong, there were no symptoms of this shifted load. Then, later into my marathoning, I developed some IT issues and ankle issues but I worked through the pain, rested, iced and then got back at it when I felt better. However, in my 40s, I’d gotten to a point where that approach was no longer a realistic solution. My other muscles groups were over it. Even a small, easy 3-miler was resulting in pain that lasted for days.

I think I’ve posted about this experience before – it really impacted how I saw myself as an athlete since I’d allowed endurance sport to define my personal life. But as I worked with the postural therapist, I also worked on deconstructing some of that mental conditioning. I had to stop running while I worked on my core. I got more into backpacking and hiking during that time. The shift was healthy. I was still active outdoors, but I was also being smart about repairing my body.

Then, about 1-1/2 years ago, I decided to give running a try again. I missed it that much. I knew I’d probably never run a marathon again, but I could do a 5k. I want to be able to run around the lake.

To accomplish this, I followed the You Can Run program on Peloton and worked through the program slowly with multiple starts until I finally finished. At the end, I wasn’t confident I could run for 30 minutes solid again, but I got to the point where I could do at least two intervals of 15 minutes and that felt really good. It was progress. After that, I did the occasional treadmill running workout which are mostly intervals. I never took the practice back outside.

Then, earlier this year, I decided (again!) that I wanted to get back into running shape. Luckily for me, Peloton had introduced a new beginner running program around training for a 5k. They also had updated their run class approach and added pace targets to the training runs. Pace targets allow you to figure out what level you are at and then you can follow the plan based on your individual level. This was a game changer for me. When I started these classes, I’d realized that my previous attempts at running again were unsuccessful because I was going out too fast. I was trying to be who I used to be and I needed to slow way down.

This was humbling but it also allowed me to progress. I finished that program, too, which apexed at 2 20-minute intervals and then you were supposed to take the training to your own 5k event, which I never did.

Since completing that program in June, I haven’t prioritized running. It was summer. We had trips – so many concerts and things to do outside. But I didn’t stop running either.

One thing I’ve learned during my unemployment and sabbatical time is that it’s harder than I’d expected to get to the gym on a regular basis. I thought it would be so easy without the constraints of work. But I’m finding just leaving the house can be a chore. I enjoy my little home cocoon especially as I’ve been learning guitar and making sourdough and binging housewives episodes. I’ve also been walking the dogs, grocery shopping, connecting with past colleagues. A structured workout schedule has just not been happening.

All is not lost, I am still getting on the treadmill at the gym weekly for an advanced beginner run on the app just to keep my legs remembering the effort. I’m not running outside yet. I haven’t built the confidence for that. And besides, it’s hard to head out the door for a loop around the neighborhood without including my dogs – and I do not have the strength or the coordination to run with my two 50+ lb huskies.

Still, seeing runners when I’m out makes me yearn for that movement and breath. I can’t give it up just yet. There is a possibility that, someday, I can do both: walk my dogs and run outside. But the confidence to just head out and run, run, run hasn’t been there.

Until today.

I surprised myself at the gym. I hopped on the treadmill for another 30-minute advanced beginner run, which are typically interval runs with the longest intervals being around 7-10 minutes incorporating recovery walks between efforts. But when I scrolled to my personal recommendations from Peloton and saw endurance run workouts kept showing up, one after another. So many 30-minute endurance runs and, when I’d tap on them to see the workout details, they all included one 22 to 25 minute run interval, most at an easy pace target. The cynic in me (or what The Artist’s Way calls “the censor”) just kept saying, you can’t do that. 20+ minutes straight is just not possible, especially on legs that were averaging only one run per week. It’s been 4 months since finishing that 5k program. Those workouts are not possible even at an easy pace.

Then something happened. It didn’t even feel intentional. I decided to ignore the inner voice. I told myself I could just try. I can always take a walk break. I can modify. But I should just… try.

And you know what? I did it. It wasn’t even that hard. And, ironically, the class that I chose was one that I didn’t view the details first. It included a 26-minute interval at moderate pace! This workout was technically harder than the initial ones that my mind had told me I couldn’t do.

The warm-up went well. The pace targets kept me from overdoing it. My heart rate stayed in zone 2 for the entire warm-up into the start of the 26-minute run. When we upped our speed to moderate, I absorbed the increased speed and tried my best to let my mind not talk me out of it. “You have to at least try,” I told myself. “You have to, at a minimum, give it a go and see where you are at.” I rationalized that I’ve done 18-minute intervals before so when the clock got there, it’s all territory that I’ve covered. I could do it. So, I just kept going. And not only did I keep going, I also increased my grade to 1% and 2% when instructed. I kept watch on my heart rate. I was okay. 125 bpm, 135 bpm. It’s all familiar work. I can keep my heart rate at that level for an extended period of time so it shouldn’t matter that this is via running vs. on a bike.

At some point, the instructor acknowledged that if moderate pace was too much, or if I felt like I needed to stop, to try and only decrease down into an easy pace run instead of a walk. I took a mental note that I would do that. I would at least give it try when push came to shove. But that push never happened. When she took us from 2% grade down to 0, even at moderate pace, I felt a little refreshed. And towards the end of the 26 minutes, I even increased my pace by .1 mph a few times until I was at the upper end of my moderate zone.

AND I DID IT. I did the thing that I told myself that I couldn’t do just 32 minutes prior. It was also much easier than I’d expected.

How many times do we tell ourselves that we can’t do something? That we don’t have the experience or the endurance or the chops?

Today was a lesson I needed to learn. Just because I didn’t think I could didn’t mean that I couldn’t. It’s a joyful experience to prove yourself wrong about something like that.

I’m excited to start building these endurance runs into my schedule.

I’m also excited to tackle another thing that I think I can’t do, whatever that may be.